the emotional pain that heartbreak evokes is excruciating. Nothing else matters, no one else matters. We can barely function, think, or move. We feel removed from everyone and alone in a haze of unreality, trapped in our shattered world. All we can see is the person who broke our heart, and all we can feel is terrible pain.


What we want most is for the pain to ease, to stop hurting so badly — but that is not what our mind wants.


When our heart is broken, our mind has a very different agenda than we do. As a result, it ends up deceiving us and making things worse. If we want to stop hurting and move on, we need to know when NOT to trust what our mind tells us.


Why We Cannot Trust Our Mind When We Have a Broken Heart

当我们心碎的时候, 为什么我们不能相信自己的思想.

To stop hurting, we need to accept the reality of the breakup and make efforts to move on. We need to reduce the amount of time we spend thinking about the person who broke our heart. We need to diminish their presence in our thoughts and our lives, slowly but surely.


Our mind wants to do the opposite. Our mind wants us to think about the person all the time, to hold on to the pain and never forget who and what caused it. Our mind wants this, because it is trying to "protect" us in the manner in which it typically does. If something causes us pain, like a hot stove, our mind’s job is to remind us not to touch that hot stove again, to make sure we remember how painful it was the first time. The more painful the experience, the more our mind will labor to make sure we don’t forget it, so we never make that "mistake" again. Given how excruciating heartbreak is, our mind will do everything it can to keep that pain fresh in our thoughts. As a result, our mind will trick us into thinking that ...:


1. Our ex was the best, the one, the only one.


Our mind will try to remind us of our ex’s best qualities. Images of them at their best will pop into our head unbidden. However, this unbalanced, unrealistic, and idealized portrayal of the person who broke our heart will only make the pain we feel worse.

我们的大脑会试图提醒我们前任的优点。他们最好的形象会不请自来地出现在我们的脑海里。然而, 这种不平衡的、不现实的、理想化的描述伤透了我们的心, 只会让我们感觉更糟糕。

2. The relationship made us happy all the time.


No, it didn’t; no relationship does. There were plenty of frustrating, annoying, or hurtful moments, and we should recall those as well.


3. If we just text them or contact them, we will feel better.

3.如果我们只是发短信或者联系他们, 我们会感觉更好。

The urge to text, message, call, or email will be very strong. But doing those things will only make us feel more desperate and needy, and hurt our self-esteem.

发短信、留言、打电话或发电子邮件的冲动将会非常强烈。但是做这些事情只会让我们感到更加绝望和贫穷, 伤害我们的自尊心。

4. Talking about the breakup with all our friends will ease our pain.


No, it won’t. Talking about emotionally painful events is natural — even useful, if we do it in a problem-solving way, or if we do it to get emotional validation. But just going over the same details again and again will only make us feel worse.

不, 不会的。谈论情感上痛苦的事情是很自然的, 甚至是有用的, 如果我们用解决问题的方式, 或者我们这样做是为了获得情感上的认可。但是一次又一次地重复同样的细节只会让我们感觉更糟。

5. We have to know exactly why the breakup occurred.


Having a clear understanding of why a breakup occurred is actually useful. However, few of us ever get a clear and honest explanation for such things. Trying to get into our ex’s head to understand why things didn’t work out is a rabbit hole. Better to settle on "they weren’t in love enough" or "we were not the right match."

对分手的原因有一个清晰的理解实际上是有用的。然而, 我们当中很少有人能够对这些事情做出清楚和诚实的解释。试图进入我们前任的脑袋里去理解为什么事情没有解决是一个兔子洞。还不如说"他们不够相爱"或者"我们不合适"